Battlestar Galactica: The Complete Series


Frak you, agoraphobia, I got me a home cinema! And the first thing I shall review is Battlestar Galactica on blu-ray laser discs.

Battletar Galactica is known for its sexy robots (called cyclons), rugged ladies (mostly cyclons) and shonky toasters (flying cyclons).

But did you know it was originally going to be called Battle-scarred Galacti-cops? And then Baffle-stumps Galactiballs? But the producers ultimately settled on ‘Battlestar Galactica’.

I don’t know why.

Set aboard the giant space-museum Galactica, the story focuses on interplanetary wrongness, which some dirty robots have done. Some of the dirty robots are really people, only they don’t know it. And there’s some war going on, but that’s on a different planet, I think. And some other people are running away from the robots.

Basically, it’s like the Kris Kristoffersen film Convoy, but in space.

Anyway, our hero is Commander Adamski (really a cyclon), played by a young Charles Bukowski. To accurately portray the rufty-tufty space-cop, Bukowski would wrap 158 elastic bands round his head before he went to bed every night, so that in the morning he would have the grizzled, spodgy-fleshed, lump-like depth of character needed to convey the psychological wear-and-tear of a ‘been there, seen that’ kind of man like Commander Adamski.

Commander Adamski

The commander struts the bridge like some cocky space chimp atop a shamelessly spacious spaceship-shaped tree.

The series poses many existential questions. What prize holdeth the stars for a man like this? What fortune may he seek, out in the cold, whiny fruitlessness of vacuous space? How does our grit-faced herald of the outer realm lead his champions to victory? And at what cost?

What’s an ‘FTL’?

Anyway, it all looks smashing. Except that whenever Adamski is on-screen, his craggy, pocked, moon-like landscape of a face absorbs all the pixels, making everything else blurry. The other thing is this smug, bossy woman keeps telling him what to do, and you’re like “Shut your face, he’s Captain Adamski!”

Also, this disc box includes some behind-the-scenes footage, and interviews with Commander Adamski and the cyclons. I haven’t watched them. I mainly just fast-forward to the bits with the sexy lady cyclon and the wizard.


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5 Responses to “Battlestar Galactica: The Complete Series”

  1. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Chris Frakham! This looks like a Really Wild Show. Kick me in the Nutkins if I don’t Springwatch it right away!

    Banjo Chutney swings back onto the AR like a powerful prose pendulum. I love it.

    I have some additional questions:

    1) What is the average circumference of one of the pores in Adamski/Bukowski’s face.

    2) Precisely how sexy are the Cylon ladies? Are they like mmm-sexy or more like unnnk-sexy? Roughly speaking.

    FTL stands for ‘Fru The Light Years’. It was invented by Vice-Chancellor Brian Cox in his QVC dressing room circa 2006.

  2. Banjo Chutney Says:

    Chris Frakham indeed, JLB. It was his Cylonwatch programme on BBC2 that got me into BSG in the first place.

    In answer to your Q’s, here are my A’s:

    1) Ranging from 10km to 50km. Bigger than Commandant Adamant’s actual face. There’s some more info here:

    2) The Cylon ladies range from 12 Phwoarons to 73 Phwoarons per cubic inch.

    I was under the impression that ‘FTL’ stood for ‘Frak the Legend’, in reference to the 13 tribes and the arrow and all that, but I bow to your superior knowledge and genetics.

  3. johnlebaptiste Says:

    73 Phwoarons per cubic inch! That’s Greek for value!

    Oh yerr. Frak the Legend. Them tribes have got no respect for the filmography of David Bowie.

  4. Banjo Chutney Says:

    I think that one’s Tom Cruise, JLB.

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