Hot incinerating munchkins! Speculation regarding Christopher Nolan’s new ostensibly Batman-unrelated film, Inception, is at an all-time high. According to an secret poll carried out by shadowy people with mysterious clipboards, 67% of cinemagoers say that they are 43% more curious about the content of Inception than they were 3 days ago. At this very moment Nolan must be licking up those figures as if he were a fat Cheshire cat and they were llama’s milk! I think it’s fair to say, however, that the following things will definitely happen in Inception:
Roarrr! I am Inception, the Mysterious Brine Monster
Leonardo Dicaprio will look at his watch and say either ‘it’s time’, ‘we’re late’, ‘we’re not late’, ‘are we late?’, ‘it goes down in seven minutes’, ‘the clock’s ticking, boys’ or ‘we’d better synchronise this shit, fellas’. Then he will run across some kind of street or corridor or hall throwing his little fists up like a porky toddler. He will then (not in this order) look at an innocuous object and say ‘that’s strange’, look at a strange object and say ‘that’s innocuous’, and then say “well, how can we tell what’s strange anymore, Bunty?”, to which Bunty will give a comprehensive and plausible response.
He will probably eat something in the course of the film. Something like a quiche or maybe a packet of M & Ms. As he finishes the last of the M&Ms he will smack his lips and say “Ah! Magnifique! My compliments to the chef” causing hilarity among his dinner guests. Then he will grow melancholy and remove his wig, asking his friend, The Duchess, or maybe that tiresome buffoon, Braganzi, to dim the lights. “I have a terrible truth to tell you” he will say, with the candle light shining yellow on his youthful head like a massive luminescent buttercup. Then he will tell the terrible truth and everyone will say things like “Shiiiiit”, “Whaaat?”, “It cannot be!” and “I am very incredulous”.
Then he will put a cape on, more like that of a tawdry, down-at-heel Oxbridge lecturer than a full Batman-style Swoop-Master. He will probably then go to the doctors and say “Is it bad, doc?” and the doctor will say “It depends what you mean by ‘bad’”. Then he will say “By ‘bad’ I mean ‘not good’”. “Oh, I see what you mean” the doctor will say, “in that case you’re completely fucked.”. “You’re an ass doc, but I got no-one else” Leo will say. “Take your trousers off” the doctor will reply.
In the course of a routine endoscopy, the doctor will discover some kind of evil government chip in Leonardo Dicaprio’s colon. “We gotta get this out” the doctor will say. But he is too late. For the chip will already have been activated. “Run” the doctor will say “everyone out”. Then Leonardo’s little white bottom will explode with the force of an incendiary bomb. But this will only be the beginning…