Posts Tagged ‘Christopher Nolan’


June 1, 2010

Hot incinerating munchkins! Speculation regarding Christopher Nolan’s new ostensibly Batman-unrelated film, Inception, is at an all-time high. According to an secret poll carried out by shadowy people with mysterious clipboards, 67% of cinemagoers say that they are 43% more curious about the content of Inception than they were 3 days ago. At this very moment Nolan must be licking up those figures as if he were a fat Cheshire cat and they were llama’s milk! I think it’s fair to say, however, that the following things will definitely happen in Inception:

Roarrr! I am Inception, the Mysterious Brine Monster

Leonardo Dicaprio will look at his watch and say either ‘it’s time’, ‘we’re late’, ‘we’re not late’, ‘are we late?’, ‘it goes down in seven minutes’, ‘the clock’s ticking, boys’ or ‘we’d better synchronise this shit, fellas’. Then he will run across some kind of street or corridor or hall throwing his little fists up like a porky toddler. He will then (not in this order) look at an innocuous object and say ‘that’s strange’, look at a strange object and say ‘that’s innocuous’, and then say “well, how can we tell what’s strange anymore, Bunty?”, to which Bunty will give a comprehensive and plausible response.

He will probably eat something in the course of the film. Something like a quiche or maybe a packet of M & Ms. As he finishes the last of the M&Ms he will smack his lips and say “Ah! Magnifique! My compliments to the chef” causing hilarity among his dinner guests. Then he will grow melancholy and remove his wig, asking his friend, The Duchess, or maybe that tiresome buffoon, Braganzi, to dim the lights. “I have a terrible truth to tell you” he will say, with the candle light shining yellow on his youthful head like a massive luminescent buttercup. Then he will tell the terrible truth and everyone will say things like “Shiiiiit”, “Whaaat?”, “It cannot be!” and “I am very incredulous”.

Then he will put a cape on, more like that of a tawdry, down-at-heel Oxbridge lecturer than a full Batman-style Swoop-Master. He will probably then go to the doctors and say “Is it bad, doc?” and the doctor will say “It depends what you mean by ‘bad’”. Then he will say “By ‘bad’ I mean ‘not good’”. “Oh, I see what you mean” the doctor will say, “in that case you’re completely fucked.”. “You’re an ass doc, but I got no-one else” Leo will say. “Take your trousers off” the doctor will reply.

In the course of a routine endoscopy, the doctor will discover some kind of evil government chip in Leonardo Dicaprio’s colon. “We gotta get this out” the doctor will say. But he is too late. For the chip will already have been activated. “Run” the doctor will say “everyone out”. Then Leonardo’s little white bottom will explode with the force of an incendiary bomb. But this will only be the beginning…


More Batman 3/Dark Knight 2 SPOILERS

February 6, 2010

Here is the final instalment of the Dark Knight 2/Batman 3 spoiler sequence. Pasted below is an actual scene from the actual script of the actual forthcoming Batman film, written by Jonathan and Christopher Nolan (Jonathan wrote every odd word and Christopher every even word). As you can see, the film will be much, much darker than all of the previous films. According to the Nolans, the psychology of this sequel will be unprecedentedly psychological. Take a peek Batchumps:

Scene: The Batcave.

Bruce Wayne enters clutching the head of a dead horse. He laughs. The hoarse and sour chuckles emanating from his grizzled cavernous mouth segue seamlessly into chuntering sobs. He puts on his hood. The Bat ears droop tragicomically. The dead horse appears to speak:

Pig: My mother was a Russian mute

Bruce: Shut up

Pig: It is said that in her youth she had a musical accent

Bruce: I said shut up

Pig: Stalin awarded her a medal and a year’s supply of gruel because she gave birth to 20 children

Bruce: Please. I can’t take any more

Pig: All of them were strapping sons of the Revolution fed on Soviet spatchcock and steel

Bruce: Please…

Pig: Except for me with my loathsome mule’s head

Bruce: [….]

Pig: After she first laid eyes on my repulsive snout and sleek, distended face she never spoke another word. I made her mute, Bruce. Me. Now do you see?

Bruce picks up a Bathook and plunges it into the dead horse’s head. The dead horse dies, again. Bruce looks stoically into the darkness.

Bruce: There is a thin line between madness, death, truth, evil, goodness, horror, belief and moral ambivalence. I must walk that line. Alone. I am darker than the Darkest Knight. I am the Dark Knight.

Bruce swoops into the darkness.

Batman 3/The Dark Knight 2 SPOILER ALERT 2 part 1

January 26, 2010

As promised, here are some more spoilers for Batman 3/The Dark Knight 2 from Christopher Nolan’s dark realistic notepad. This stuff has all been verified as 98% likely to appear in the next Batman film, so drink it down batfriends:

The batmobile should be even wider and stouter, reflecting the stout economical production values of the Nolan (i.e. my) aesthetic. Long, twig-like batmobile = flimsy, unrealistic Schumacherism. Stout-ass tank = 16 tons of verisimilitude, sir!

The interior of the batmobile should look like the inside of an egg, implying Bruce Wayne’s preoccupation with his deceased mother, his lost infancy and the fact that bats lay eggs (do they? Better check this out).

What to do about the Joker/Heath Ledger? Think Hooded Claw from Inspector Gadget. We never see the Joker’s face, only his cat-stroking hand. The cat could be called Catwoman. Sweet Fellini, is there no limit to my powers of in-jokery (NB: no).

Batman could read a poem (out loud?).

Batman could drink some Gatorade and belch powerfully.

How should I solve the Robin problem? Robin could be a sentient computer program, called R.O.B.I.N. (Robotic something Boy something something). He lives inside the Batcomputer. ‘HOLY POP-UP ALERT BATMAN. THE RIDDLER IS TRYING TO KILL ME WITH RIDDLE MALWARE! RIDDLES RE-WRITING MY SOFTWARE. TROJAN RIDDLES IN MY MIND. NOOOO’ etc..

Robin could be a bubble-boy. A deadly bubble-boy.

Batman’s ears need to be longer, at least by a foot. Ideally they would extend telescopically like periscopes, or periscopically like telescopes.