Posts Tagged ‘Helen Mirren’

The Queen – a Diamond Jubilee Special!

June 2, 2012

Happy Jubilee fellow agoraphobes! Here’s a picture of HMS QEII drawn by the historian, Lord David Starkey of Cheapside, which I present to you under the spurious premise that it somehow constitutes a review of ‘The Queen’, a Stephen Frears film released in 2006. Obviously it isn’t a review, nor does it have anything to do with the film, but what’s it to you? And while we’re on the subject, what are you supposed to be, some kind of beastly roundhead or something?

Caligula

May 16, 2010

You know how fat insecure businessmen are always banging on about ‘the Art of War’ by Sun Tzu? Well I eat Sun Tzu for breakfast, except on a Saturday when my mum gets croissants from the supermarket. It is claimed (by morons) that Sun Tzu’s militaristic musings hold the key to effective business leadership. This is poppycock-and-balls. For my money, there is only one example from the ancient world that can impart true leadership wisdom, and that is the life of Caligula, as represented in the Tinto Brass biopic, ‘Caligula’. Heed the following and you will become king of the managers, or your money back!

The fragrant Helen Mirren in Caligula

The Art of Effective Leadership according to Caligula

Stick a horse in the senate

Impregnate it

Refuse to give it maternity leave,

Insist, on the contrary, that it dances for you,

While fulfilling all of the duties of office.

Grow weary of the pregnant horse dancing.

Shoot it.

Boil it down for glue.

Impregnate the glue.

Have glue babies.

Let them loose on the plebiscites.

When the glue babies come back to claim their reward,

Boil them down into a non-adhesive substance.

Stick it in the eyes of your sister.

Whom you love.

Cry.

Spend 15 minutes thinking of the most incongruous thing you could try to impregnate.

Fail.

Play pinball.

Increase taxes.

Blame immigrants for increase in taxes, horse deaths, glue-baby-attacks and non-adhesive-glue-in-eye incidents.

Start again.