They were called The Babies, but they weren’t babies. They were pre-schoolers: four years old to a man. This much can be verified. But what else do we know? We know that they were a boy band popular in the last few years of Earth 1.0. We know that they numbered four: Duck Naesmyth, Ruud Shoemaker, Larry Bannatyne and “Master” Thomas Trimbleby. Beyond these rudimentary knowings, the trail goes dead.
Or rather it did, until the recent discovery of an astonishing artefact 2 miles beneath the surface of the Birmingham Desert. This tome, known to scholars of the Inuit Intergalactic Empire as ‘The Bull-Ring Manuscript’, was referred to by pre-apocalyptic people as ‘The Babies’ Official Fan’s Fun Fact Pack-Book.’ From the manuscript, the Inuit Intergalactic Empire’s foremost experts on Earth 1.0 pre-pubescent noise culture have managed to deduce the following 5 facts concerning ‘The Babies’:
1) In the final minutes before the catastrophic involution of Earth 1.0, The Babies confronted their nemesis, Spangulatron, upon a blizzardy precipice beneath the peak of Mont Blanc. Spangulatron, an eight-legged glam-rock cyborg under investigation by the London Metropolitan Police for historical sex offences dating back to the era of Piltdown Man, held the Catastrophe Box in his hideous, atrophied seventh leg. “What say you now, Babies” cried Spangulatron. “All of your scheming, dance routines and key changes have come to naught. Now watch as I reduce your home planet to a chuffing anus in the fabric of space-time.” “It’s your home planet too” shouted Master Thomas, launching a torpedo punch at Spangulatron’s Adam’s apple. But by then, of course, it was too late.
2) Ruud’s favourite supper dish is a Chicken Caesar Salad, but not because he’s “fancy or anything.”
3) Since their first single was released in 1987, the Babies have had ten number one hits: “Georgia on My Mind”, “Whole Lotta Shakin’ Going On”, “We’re the Babies, We’re the Babies”, “Truffle Rock”, “Strange Fruit”, “Let it Be”, “Pupper Master Vs. King Puppet”, “Were You There (When They Crucified My Lord)”, “Fruit Pastilles”, “Rupert in The Deep Dark Forest”.
4) The Babies first became aware of Spangulatron during a tour of Wessex. It was 2pm, roughly, and the boys were halfway through a visit to the Camelot Geological Museum. Their tour manager, Dr “Mammy” Grapes, had taken them there for a treat. As they passed between the limestone and the quartz exhibits, the temperature suddenly dropped. “Damned chilly” said Duck, rubbing his goose-pimpled arms in the traditional hominid fashion. “What the devil is that?” shouted Larry, as the silhouette of a sequinned arachnoid in high heels passed over the ceiling, like the dark dream of a forbidden cloud. “’Tis Spangulatron, my loves” said Old Margaret, their tour guide. “He is a varmint and he bain’t never meant no-one no good, no how.”
5) When The Babies grow up, they would like be: a pastry chef (Duck); a U-Boat commander (Ruud); a writer of children’s books (Larry) and a warlock (Master Thomas).
[MANUSCRIPT BECOMES ILLEGIBLE AFTER THIS POINT]