Posts Tagged ‘Pliet’

Black Swan

February 16, 2011

Here’s a monologue from ‘Black Swan’, in which Natalie Portman’s brain explodes like a thousand angry goslings. Note the fragmented syntactical stumps, which betokeneth the onset of insanity:             

Natalie Portman, goose-stepping in Black Swan

Get your beaky bits off my pumps

And give me three pliets STAT

Scrap that

Battu, Bras. Bras bas.

Just stick your arm out like a beak

You clumsy meff.


Fiddly-dee. Dieu!

Puff it out. The swan is proud now.

Why are your knees bent

Like a be-ricketed Crazy Legs Crane.

Sur Les Demi-Pointes you terrible arse.

Ronde de jambe.

Ronde de JAMBE!

Oh for God’s sake just get me a ham and mustard.

And a can of Lilt please too.

It’s my birthday.


Dirty Dancing

June 15, 2010

Being an OCD sufferer, I have studiously avoided watching the film ‘Dirty Dancing’. I like my choreography germ-free. Here is a poem about Dirty Dancing.

Always use this before dancing


With pirouette dainty and pliet tight

He squelched his way into the ballroom light

His colostomy bag swinging majestically

So pendulous, so pendant, so testicley.

This cumberbund is the same strip of ermine silk

His great-grandfather used to go graverobbing in.

That bow-tie was once digested by a Great Dane.

The bow-tie was salvageable

But sadly the hound

Had to be put down.

His armpits blossom with fungus.

His breath smells of Chernobyl.


Ah! Here comes his enchanting partner.

See how her hair flutters and flickers,

See the discolouration in her knickers,

See the cornflakes in her beard

See the tripe beneath her fingernails

See the grace in her step.


Let’s dance, my love, in unhygienic fashion,

Two mucky pigs in the pigsty of passion.