Posts Tagged ‘rap’

I’m Still Here

September 19, 2010

Hip hop enthusiasts! Put down your uzis and stop spelling letters with your fingers! There’s a hot new sound busting up the aural spectrum. Forget your Marky Mark, your Shabba Ranks and your MC Handpump. All of the real rap fans are grooving to a whole new scene. If you like your rhymez [sic] sick and your beatz [sic-er] dope, get down to your local record shop and ask for the latest ‘Joaquin Phoenix’ single. You can trust me, or my name isn’t Timothy Westwood, the famous rap historian. But if my word isn’t enough, check this out:

‘Rap-Scallionz, a rap’ by Joaquin Phoenix

The sweaty breath of sorrow

The mutton chops of madness

The swollen popsicle of motherly love.

I am a son of a tough bitch,

Popped out like a leathery parcel

From a mad dog’s vagina.

Boingle boingle boingle.

The Rap-Scallionz are descending on St Petersberg.

“And whoosh,

And whoosh”

He cried.

“Even God’s bidet

Could never rinse

My sins


Joaquin Phoenix, who put on 40 kg for his role in 'I'm still here', with his pocket-sized buddy, Pascal Diddy.


Evil Dead Prince of Bel-Air by Banjo Fett

April 2, 2010

In honour of JLB’s fine work hither, and anon, here’s the plot of Evil Dead II re-told via the medium of Will Smith’s magnum opus, the theme tune to his TV show Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Now this is a story all about how,
I cut my own hand off but who’s laughing now?
And I’d like to take a minute,
So listen up you primitive screw-heads,
And I’ll tell you how I became the guy who killed the Evil Dead.

In North Carolina, in a cabin in the woods,
In the cellar, was where we found the pages of the book.
Choppin’ up my girlfriend with a chainsaw wasn’t cool,
But me and ol’ double-barrel sure taught those ghouls.

But a couple of demons,
Who were up to no good,
Started swallowing souls in my neighborhood.
I got in one little fight and Bobby Jo got scared,
And she ran into the woods even though I told her to beware.

I whistled to the she-witch, and when it flew near,
I chainsawed off its arms but Annie had the fear,
If anything I could say that this chick was ‘Groovy’,
But I thought ‘Naw, forget it’ and killed the Deadite real smoothly.

I dispatched all the Deadites, there were seven or eight,
So I yelled over to Annie, ‘Yo homes, read the pages!’
But I got sucked into the portal,
With a wacky-angled close-up,
And span through time to end up in Medieval Europe.