Posts Tagged ‘Spoilers’

The Dark Knight Rises – exclusive photos!!!

August 15, 2011

Anyone with a basic awareness of the existence of the internet will be conscious this week of one thing and one thing only. The Nolan-Batman-Franchise Leviathan has awoken from its 3-year slumber. And it’s horny as hell. We, the public, are but trembly Jonahs. We shall all be swallowed by an irresistible mountain of publicity blubber (blublicity) and transported beneath a boiling sea of hype, flee as we might. We’ve seen the trailers, the teasers, the titillators, the spoilers, the limited edition tie-in Doilies. Now, friends, see the new batch of exclusive Dark Knight Rises photos:

Pic 1:

Batman and Bane face off, with devastating consequences!

Pic 2:

Batman upbraids a scoundrel, while Alfred zips past, Chagall-style

Pic 3:

Batman visits a convalescent Commissioner Gordon in hospital

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Inception

June 1, 2010

Hot incinerating munchkins! Speculation regarding Christopher Nolan’s new ostensibly Batman-unrelated film, Inception, is at an all-time high. According to an secret poll carried out by shadowy people with mysterious clipboards, 67% of cinemagoers say that they are 43% more curious about the content of Inception than they were 3 days ago. At this very moment Nolan must be licking up those figures as if he were a fat Cheshire cat and they were llama’s milk! I think it’s fair to say, however, that the following things will definitely happen in Inception:

Roarrr! I am Inception, the Mysterious Brine Monster

Leonardo Dicaprio will look at his watch and say either ‘it’s time’, ‘we’re late’, ‘we’re not late’, ‘are we late?’, ‘it goes down in seven minutes’, ‘the clock’s ticking, boys’ or ‘we’d better synchronise this shit, fellas’. Then he will run across some kind of street or corridor or hall throwing his little fists up like a porky toddler. He will then (not in this order) look at an innocuous object and say ‘that’s strange’, look at a strange object and say ‘that’s innocuous’, and then say “well, how can we tell what’s strange anymore, Bunty?”, to which Bunty will give a comprehensive and plausible response.

He will probably eat something in the course of the film. Something like a quiche or maybe a packet of M & Ms. As he finishes the last of the M&Ms he will smack his lips and say “Ah! Magnifique! My compliments to the chef” causing hilarity among his dinner guests. Then he will grow melancholy and remove his wig, asking his friend, The Duchess, or maybe that tiresome buffoon, Braganzi, to dim the lights. “I have a terrible truth to tell you” he will say, with the candle light shining yellow on his youthful head like a massive luminescent buttercup. Then he will tell the terrible truth and everyone will say things like “Shiiiiit”, “Whaaat?”, “It cannot be!” and “I am very incredulous”.

Then he will put a cape on, more like that of a tawdry, down-at-heel Oxbridge lecturer than a full Batman-style Swoop-Master. He will probably then go to the doctors and say “Is it bad, doc?” and the doctor will say “It depends what you mean by ‘bad’”. Then he will say “By ‘bad’ I mean ‘not good’”. “Oh, I see what you mean” the doctor will say, “in that case you’re completely fucked.”. “You’re an ass doc, but I got no-one else” Leo will say. “Take your trousers off” the doctor will reply.

In the course of a routine endoscopy, the doctor will discover some kind of evil government chip in Leonardo Dicaprio’s colon. “We gotta get this out” the doctor will say. But he is too late. For the chip will already have been activated. “Run” the doctor will say “everyone out”. Then Leonardo’s little white bottom will explode with the force of an incendiary bomb. But this will only be the beginning…

More Batman 3/Dark Knight 2 SPOILERS

February 6, 2010

Here is the final instalment of the Dark Knight 2/Batman 3 spoiler sequence. Pasted below is an actual scene from the actual script of the actual forthcoming Batman film, written by Jonathan and Christopher Nolan (Jonathan wrote every odd word and Christopher every even word). As you can see, the film will be much, much darker than all of the previous films. According to the Nolans, the psychology of this sequel will be unprecedentedly psychological. Take a peek Batchumps:

Scene: The Batcave.

Bruce Wayne enters clutching the head of a dead horse. He laughs. The hoarse and sour chuckles emanating from his grizzled cavernous mouth segue seamlessly into chuntering sobs. He puts on his hood. The Bat ears droop tragicomically. The dead horse appears to speak:

Pig: My mother was a Russian mute

Bruce: Shut up

Pig: It is said that in her youth she had a musical accent

Bruce: I said shut up

Pig: Stalin awarded her a medal and a year’s supply of gruel because she gave birth to 20 children

Bruce: Please. I can’t take any more

Pig: All of them were strapping sons of the Revolution fed on Soviet spatchcock and steel

Bruce: Please…

Pig: Except for me with my loathsome mule’s head

Bruce: [….]

Pig: After she first laid eyes on my repulsive snout and sleek, distended face she never spoke another word. I made her mute, Bruce. Me. Now do you see?

Bruce picks up a Bathook and plunges it into the dead horse’s head. The dead horse dies, again. Bruce looks stoically into the darkness.

Bruce: There is a thin line between madness, death, truth, evil, goodness, horror, belief and moral ambivalence. I must walk that line. Alone. I am darker than the Darkest Knight. I am the Dark Knight.

Bruce swoops into the darkness.

The Dark Knight 2/ Batman 3 – SPOILER ALERT

December 12, 2009

The current economic debacle has taught us one valuable lesson, and that is that immoderate speculation will leave you destitute. Yes, over-speculate and you will wind up living beneath a bridge, performing unnatural acts on your former colleagues for loose change like a sad gigolo troll. The same applies to non-economic speculation. Take the mooted Dark Knight sequel. Some young men have worked themselves into such a fury of blind hypothesising regarding the content and casting of this film that they have lost all sense of perspective. Try engaging one of these poor specimens in a conversation about the best time to plant geraniums or whether the archaic practice of wrapping babies in swaddling clothes has had a bad press and he will stare at you blankly, mumbling something about Robin being ‘a pussy’.

There is hope however. Yes, the world may cease its fruitless speculation. For I have a definitive and unimpeachable account of what The Dark Knight 2/Batman 3 will involve. Hear me friends, for I am the oracle. These are Christopher Nolan’s notes for the film, which one of our agents liberated from his pockets:

Batman 3. Notes for.

More onomatopoeia (dark, realistic onomatopoeia such as ‘bang’, ‘crunch’, ‘wham’. NOT repeat NOT unrealistic, Joel Schumacher-esque onomatopoeia such as ‘bingle’, ‘whimmy’, ‘squoosh’, ‘whizzup’, ‘grammies’.

More exploration of the bat analogy. Bats like: fruit, whistling, rabies. Remember to ask Bale if he can ‘do fruit’.

Batman needs to grow as a person. He needs to let someone in. He needs to realise that you can’t always make it on your own (idea for script: ‘can’t….. make it….. on…. own… need friends….’ – important to stress pauses)

More jokes and light relief. Alfred could say something like ‘Don’t bloody break the bloody Batmobile again. I’m tired of filling out bloody insurance forms’. Bloody. LOL.

More dark stuff. Batman needs to do something really bad, like stab a dog. NB should the dog be bad? Moral dilemma.

Catwoman casting: Angelina Jolie OBVIOUSLY.

So that you don’t all get too excited I shall pause here. Keep your specs peeled for further snippets!