Posts Tagged ‘swine flu’

Frank – Above the Lollipop

August 11, 2009

Monsieur Fett here. I don’t know if I really saw this film or just dreamed it. I’ve had pig flu for the past few days so I’ve had a bit of a fever. I’ve also watched some really bad films. So I think the following mess is the result of the combination of pig flu fever and a steady drip-feed of very bad films. It’s about a lollipop man called Frank.

Frank – Above the Lollipop

Frank Wallopsworth was an honest man. He was also a lollipop man, but mainly he was an honest man. He’d always chase people down the street if they’d dropped a crown. Sometimes if they’d dropped a shilling. But anything over that was his.

What’s right is right, thought Frank. No point piddling about, he’d follow it up with. I mean brass is brass and if they’re daft enough to… well, anyway the point is, for the most part, Frank H. Wallopsworth was a champion of the common man and a knight in shining armour for the children he helped across the road every day. Unless they gave him a bit of lip. Then he’d clip their ear-holes and shake his fist at them.

Anyway, we’ve established that, morally, Frank was a monument to justice, honour and Werther’s butter-mints, right? Well, mainly the butter-mints, but he was quite interested in the subjects of honour and justice. And half-pints of mild at the club. And keeping women out of the crown green bowling club. But apart from that he was exactly like Batman. Or Rambo.

So this one time, Frank was patrolling his patch, stopping the traffic with his Magical Lollipop of Justice when… hang on, no… the first time we see Frank he’s building a shed. He’s building a shed from Homebase WITHOUT READING THE INSTRUCTIONS. Because he’s like this pillar of truth and justice, so he doesn’t need mundane things like instructions for his shed from Homebase. He just whacks it up, with his vest off. Er, maybe he’s got his vest on actually. He’s quite an old chap and he might catch cold. But he gets that shed up in under two hours, which is pretty impressive.

Then we see him doing some weeding, but he’s doing it like a ninja. He’s doing somersaults round the garden, plucking weeds out with this crane-style three-finger attack. You know like Cruel Pai Mei does in Kill Bill when he whips that mermaid’s eyeball out? That’s what Frank’s doing with his leafy spurge.

After that he’s going down the Post Office to send some letters. There’s quite a queue but he still lets this old lady go in front of him. Because he’s a monument to truth and justice.

And then he visits some really old people at the retirement village. He’s brought them some cakes and is helping some of the nearly-dead ones to eat the cakes. Because he’s a pillar of… look, we’ve established his heroism, yeah? Right, so this time when he was on a stakeout at the crossing, helping the infant school kids get across a really deadly patch of road known as THE DEVIL’S DOGLEG, he sees this suspicious character. Squinting, and gripping his Magical Lollipop of Justice, Frank decides to follow the suspicious-looking man. He’s not black or anything, because Frank gets on great with black people and they love him too. It’s a different kind of suspicious-looking. Like, a generic suspicious-looking bloke that you might see in, say, a Steven Seagal film.

Anyway, turns out the suspicious-looking bloke leads Frank on a trail of corruption that goes right up to the Mayor’s office. And I mean the Mayor with the big hat and the spangly-dangly chain, not the council leader type of mayor. Oh and there was a bomb. But Frank stopped it from going off by throwing it up in the air, then whacking it with his Magical Lollipop of Justice. It looked a bit like he was serving a ball at Wimbly, except the ball exploded in space.

And there were some kung fu bits in the Mayor’s office, when all the Mayoral aides ran in to defend him, but Frank used his Magical Lollipop of Justice as a big kung fu stick. Then he sat down and had a cup of tea. What a day, thought Frank, good job I’ve got me trusty old Magical Lollipop of Justice.