Posts Tagged ‘The Devil’

Legend

June 30, 2012

Who has seen ‘Legend’ starring Tim Curry and Tom Cruise? Not I, sir. Here is my review of it:

Satan peels on his mink leggings. Mmmmmm, they glide so smoothly and warmly over his goaty legs that he lets forth a luxurious baritone sigh. It is a sigh so fruity and intimate in pitch that Beelzebub blushes a shade of red hitherto unseen in the Chambers of Pandemonium. Mmmmmmmm. ‘Is this what it feels like to be a baby sheep?’ Satan asks.

Next, Satan moves over to his infernal dressing table, wherein he lustily eyes a hearty smorgasbord of puffs, powders, pomades and potions with which to beautify his crow-footed face. Yes, Satan is nearing the fag-end of early middle age, but he makes the best of it. A lick of mascara here, a bonk of concealer there, and Satan is a new angel. Everyone is always going on about how nice he looked before he fell. But even they have to admit, the old love isn’t doing too badly now. After a delicate swig of Lambrini and a bracing snort of blow, Satan is hot to trot!

Tom Cruise plays a rustic swain who stretches his listless length at undrentide under the cooling switches of a whistling willow. “Ah me, ah my, whither goeth my pretty maid?” he laments. A robin redbreast replies “Hark ye Young Marster Cruise, your love sporteth with the fauns of the forest”. “Crivens” exclaims Cruise, “my love is like unto the flower that swivels towards every yellow face it mistakes for the sun”. “Racist” comments the robin, but Cruise pretends he has not heard, and sets off in search of his wanton shepherdess.

On his way to rescue his love, Cruise encounters Satan, hanging fresh and loose at the crossroads.

Who are you?” enquires Cruise, with frightened curiosity.

I am the Deveeeell” says Satan, with gusto.

Who?” replies Cruise

The Devil” says Satan, with less gusto.

What you will” says Cruise “I like your leggings

Thank you” blushes Satan “they’re mink

What is mink?”

It is fluffy and magical” replies Satan, “and I will give you a mink waistcoat all of your own if you sell me your delicious, plump soul’.

Readers can imagine what happens next. In case they can’t, here is a quick summary:

Satan and Tom Cruise start a trad jazz band

While walking past a telescope Cruise discovers a comet heading straight for earth

Satan goes on a chat show and falls asleep

Brian Blessed rolls up on a foaming steed and shouts “What news Brave Fellows?”

The gang are finally reunited for one last job

The report is submitted on time

Your boss congratulates you on a job well done and allows you to have 45 minutes free time in the play area.

FINIS.

The World Cup

June 27, 2010

A new television programme has started on TV, I have been informed. It is called ‘The World Cup’ and it follows the adventures of a team of sportsmen who long to triumph in an international tournament. As with ‘Lost’, there has been intense speculation regarding the way in which this TV show will end. Will the team win? Will they lose? Will it transpire that they are in fact in purgatory, and can only hope to escape by beating the devil in a high-stakes game of soccer? Will the tournament go on for 18 seasons? Don’t look at me, chum. I’m just a pundit. Here is my review of one of the episodes of ‘The World Cup’, entitled ‘Phantoms’…

Dennis Hopper as 'The Coach'

Kickoff! Each of the teams assumes the top-secret formation that they discussed secretly before the game commenced, in a secret room. The good team are arranged in the shape of a fleet sparrow. The bad team lounge and lope in unseemly fashion, as one might expect of a group of foreigners. The ball is coveted deeply by each of the participants. Shall I be the one to guide the ball into the snug silken weave between the goalposts, each of the players scarcely dares to ask him or herself. Touch! Pass! Dribble! Shoot! But, alas, no goal. Good effort, young man. Try not to be dispirited. There will be other opportunities to demonstrate your skill-set.

It is half-time. Yes! The hearty, barrel-chested sportsmen punch the air. A well-deserved break. They bound away on round pork-joint calves to the changing rooms, where a heavenly bowl of the finest porcelain awaits, replete with the juicy quarters of a thousand curvaceous oranges. “Scrummo” shouts the team captain and plunges his hand into the sensuous citrus well. He pulls out a wet specimen and bites into it. The orange sap runs down his chin and becomes enmeshed in the sweaty pubic mat that adorns his well-honed teats. It is a religious experience. The others are shyer. They glance furtively at the oranges and twiddle their whiskers. “Come on boys, tuck in!” shouts the coach. Now they have the all clear from Coachy, it is a free for all. They gorge themselves bloodily on the meat and viscera of a panting, perspiring orange grove. Scrummo indeed, Captain. Scrummo indeed.

The second half rolls around. They put on a good show, and every man pulls his weight. The victors have the edge over the opposition. As the whistle blows, there are tears. But don’t be sad: the tears will dry before bedtime, and each of those brave, hearty boys will dream happily of the bright oranges of Ceylon.

This pivotal episode features standout performances by Michael Cera as the maverick and yet moralistic ‘Left-Winger’ and the late Dennis Hopper as ‘The Coach’. Hopper obviously knew he was going to die when the final scenes were shot, and so he played them like a crazy kamikaze spatula, flipping out pungent lines as if they were hunks of dramatic mackerel. He did not go gentle into the good night, readers will be relieved to hear.

There is an extremely suspenseful moment during the second half, in which Cera discovers a shoe full of genetic evidence behind the football stadium. He runs an analysis on it in his portable laboratory, which he sets up in the changing rooms, and discovers that the referee was the rapist. After the game is finished, Cera informs the authorities, and the rapist referee gets put in rapist prison where he belongs. Shortly after, a FIFA representative tells Cera he is sticking his nose into dangerous waters. Cera says “this shit goes deep, doesn’t it?” The FIFA representative says “Take this as a friendly warning, Left-Winger” and walks off with a studied insouciance.

In short this is pretty exciting stuff. I can’t wait for the box set!