I haven’t seen Bugsy Malone and by God I never shall. Or have I/will I? Here’s what I imagine the film is all about:
Today Dandy Dan, Fat Sam and Bugsy came to tea and Dandy Dan put a bogey on Fat Sam and Fat Sam cried. Bugsy said he was the tallest boy in his class but he isn’t. Fat Sam drew a picture of his dog Bonker it had five legs it looked stupid. It’s not a leg it’s a tail he said but we said leg leg leg and he said tail tail tail until he started crying again. What a baby. Fat Sam sat in the den and wouldn’t come out so Dandy Dan said let’s make a new den that Fat Sam can’t come in and Fat Sam heard him say this and ran out of the den like a fat rabbit and he said it’s my den too but Dandy Dan said no it’s not. Fat Sam gripped Dandy Dan’s cheeks and Dandy Dan screamed. Mum came out and said play nice boys or you’ll have to go home. They stopped fighting then Bugsy said I know a new game and we all stopped and listened and Bugsy said it’s called the moonshining liquor game and he sang a little song about it like this:
The prohibitionists have got us in a squeeze boys
But I gots an idea so listen to me please boys
Let’s brew us up some devil water and open a speakeasy
With an entrance so labyrinthine it coulda been drawn by Piranesi
He’s an old Italian artist, don’t fret your dumb-bum noodles
Just thinka the money boys, we’ll be making oodles
All we gotta do is learn about the fermentation process
It can’t be too difficult, what do you boys supposes.
Then Bugsy did a little dance. It was strange. Mum wouldn’t let Bugsy come round to our house anymore after that and Fat Sam trembled and whimpered whenever Bugsy tried to talk to him.