Who has seen ‘Legend’ starring Tim Curry and Tom Cruise? Not I, sir. Here is my review of it:
Satan peels on his mink leggings. Mmmmmm, they glide so smoothly and warmly over his goaty legs that he lets forth a luxurious baritone sigh. It is a sigh so fruity and intimate in pitch that Beelzebub blushes a shade of red hitherto unseen in the Chambers of Pandemonium. Mmmmmmmm. ‘Is this what it feels like to be a baby sheep?’ Satan asks.
Next, Satan moves over to his infernal dressing table, wherein he lustily eyes a hearty smorgasbord of puffs, powders, pomades and potions with which to beautify his crow-footed face. Yes, Satan is nearing the fag-end of early middle age, but he makes the best of it. A lick of mascara here, a bonk of concealer there, and Satan is a new angel. Everyone is always going on about how nice he looked before he fell. But even they have to admit, the old love isn’t doing too badly now. After a delicate swig of Lambrini and a bracing snort of blow, Satan is hot to trot!
Tom Cruise plays a rustic swain who stretches his listless length at undrentide under the cooling switches of a whistling willow. “Ah me, ah my, whither goeth my pretty maid?” he laments. A robin redbreast replies “Hark ye Young Marster Cruise, your love sporteth with the fauns of the forest”. “Crivens” exclaims Cruise, “my love is like unto the flower that swivels towards every yellow face it mistakes for the sun”. “Racist” comments the robin, but Cruise pretends he has not heard, and sets off in search of his wanton shepherdess.
On his way to rescue his love, Cruise encounters Satan, hanging fresh and loose at the crossroads.
“Who are you?” enquires Cruise, with frightened curiosity.
“I am the Deveeeell” says Satan, with gusto.
“Who?” replies Cruise
“The Devil” says Satan, with less gusto.
“What you will” says Cruise “I like your leggings”
“Thank you” blushes Satan “they’re mink”
“What is mink?”
“It is fluffy and magical” replies Satan, “and I will give you a mink waistcoat all of your own if you sell me your delicious, plump soul’.
Readers can imagine what happens next. In case they can’t, here is a quick summary:
Satan and Tom Cruise start a trad jazz band
While walking past a telescope Cruise discovers a comet heading straight for earth
Satan goes on a chat show and falls asleep
Brian Blessed rolls up on a foaming steed and shouts “What news Brave Fellows?”
The gang are finally reunited for one last job
The report is submitted on time
Your boss congratulates you on a job well done and allows you to have 45 minutes free time in the play area.