Posts Tagged ‘Vagina Dentata’

The Queen – a Diamond Jubilee Special!

June 2, 2012

Happy Jubilee fellow agoraphobes! Here’s a picture of HMS QEII drawn by the historian, Lord David Starkey of Cheapside, which I present to you under the spurious premise that it somehow constitutes a review of ‘The Queen’, a Stephen Frears film released in 2006. Obviously it isn’t a review, nor does it have anything to do with the film, but what’s it to you? And while we’re on the subject, what are you supposed to be, some kind of beastly roundhead or something?



April 5, 2010

Why am I so obsessed with Dune? This poem might have the answer:


Straggly, wiggly, spice worm

Hunkering through the sherbety sands of Arrakis,

With your mouth like a fanged vulva

And your body like a lazy whale’s penis

You are ribbed for no-one’s pleasure.

How do spice worms mate?

Do they coil like sweetbreads in a sugary lattice?

Do they get into bed like regular folks?

Do they take their socks off?

What is the policy regarding human spectators?


I am surrounded by losers with silly names:

Shadout Mapes, Gurney Halleck, The Beast Rabban,

Dr Wellington Yueh, Padishah Emperor Shaddam IV

Why don’t people call their kids things like Bill anymore?

Just for once I’d like to leave all of this hideousness

And watch two spice worms bone each other

Against the lightning forks of midnight,

Two meaty colossi humping for the fate of the galaxy

And the entertainment of grubby little me.