Bella Y La Bestia

Before television and cinematography were born under a blistering star on Broadway, blighting mankind forever with a series of curses akin to those unleashed by Pandora’s Box – not least of which being the unforgivable act of giving The Agoraphobic Reviewer cause for existence – plays ruled the theatrical roost.

Before the endless Hollywood cinematic remakes of his works became ubiquitous, Walter Disney was one of Britain’s foremost playwrights. Such heavyweights as‘ The Aristocats’ and ‘The Lady and The Tramp’ were famed the land over, from Riddlesworth up to Loch Skinnydippin. Many a renowned thespian trod the boards under the guise of Disney’s legendary characters. Sir Bruce Willis’ turn as Dumbo in the 17^th Century caused Samuel Pepys to note, “Ne’er afore has a role been lived with such vigour and virtuosity. Willis did serve the text well and honour the Bard Disney greatly. Elephant? I nearly cried!”

Of late, however, one is more likely to see a sexy and lithe young actor of the day, such as Brian Blessed or Zack from ‘Saved By The Bell’, flashing across the screen as a revamped Pinocchio; or Angelina Jolie as an oversexed and pornified Ariel, ‘The Little Mermaid’.

It was with joy in my heart and a lazy lob-on in my pocket, therefore, that Old Rope braved the Argentine autumn and the Bicentenario crowds, to watch ‘Bella y La Bestia’. Renowned as one of Sir Walter’s latter day masterpieces, “ByB” has been returned to the stage by the Royal Disney Theatre Company. And it’s about bloody time too.

Since Old Rope cannot make head nor tail of the fluid Porteno Spanish spoken here, I may as well not have seen it, thus ideally placing me to review it on these pages. Besides, I slept through four of the five Acts.

The play centres around the titular Bella, a scabrous and grotesque hag who likes to have sexual relations with animals, and Bestia a Geordie man who believes he is quite simply the “best here”. After much dicking about talking to the furniture (it talks back, who knew!) the two get on like a house on fire, before literally setting the house on fire. As the timbers turn to cinders and the crockery weeps for its shattered children, Bella clambers aboard Bestia and rides him the rude way, howling like a banshee as they frug on the talkative rug before the house collapses in on the star-crossed lovers. Warning: Plot Spoiler in the preceding paragraph.

I give this play one B&B (Bed and Breakfast)

Tags: Argentine Theatre, Beauty and The Beast, Bella, Bestia, Bestiality, Cocksure Geordie men, Disney films, Disney plays, Dumbo, Films about women falling in love with wild animals (not that kind), oversexed The Little Mermaid, Walt Disney, Walter Disney, Zack from Saved By The Bell